The search for life

Sometimes I feel

             What is this friendship all about?

Where every action ends in formality

             And every word turns inside out

This friendship began as a search for life

             Where I trusted you and your every breath

But how do I know in this cruel world

             That I would come so near to my death

From the first day of our friendship

             Your treatment for me has changed a lot

I always thought about your well being

             But you persisted to understand me not

It was you, in whom I searched for life

             But I was misled with the warmth in your breath

The more I felt myself to be lucky

             The nearer I went to my death

You had started taking my friendship for granted

             You never valued my single word

You only thought about yourself

             And pretended as if you always heard

I cried throughout this search for life

             I wish I recognized that breath

But one thing is sure that you would never understand

             That how near you brought me to my death

Confusions overruled under no compulsion

It was the extent of my introspection

             That overruled all the existing confusion

That she was hardly important in my life

             When I saw under the light of no compulsion

When she denied to walk my way

             My life came shattered in front of me

But soon I realized what God did say

             That she was not made for me

That day I introspected to find my soulmate

             And I listed down a few of those qualities

Those qualities that seriously lacked in her

             Made me doubtful about her parities

If and when I fall in love

             I prayed to God about this always

That there shouldn’t be any compulsion what-so-ever

             And she should choose me in her own ways

I prayed to God that if I love her

             Then her love should be equally strong

I preferred not to convince anybody

             As compulsions would make that love wrong

If I felt that I can’t live without her

             Then she should also feel the same

Only then the love builds strong

             And then the love goes beyond the sake of name

But these things lacked in my best friend

             As she hardly had any value for my emotions

She also preferred to live her own life

             Which was made out of her own creations

I pleaded once but soon realized

             That convincing was against my principles

I wanted it to happen naturally

             Only then it would mean sensible

She no doubt played with my emotions

             But that was all a different story

I was true with my love & with myself

             But she never recognized its glory

I realized that she never deserved

             To be the better half of my life

She can be my best friend no doubt

             But never ever she can be my wife

I didn’t want to marry someone I can live with

             And she was there almost out

I was actually waiting for that person

             To marry someone I cannot live without

I hope I find that person soon

             Who actually deserves to be my soulmate

I would still pray only for my best friend

             I hope she comes back before it’s too late

Flying Clouds

The cool breeze blows and I feel your presence

Standing under those flying clouds, I cherish your essence

Your existence may only be for the time being

But even the shortest of the instances

             Are memorable through my every sense

Your arrival is a blessing for the nature

It’s a joy of renewal for every creature

I don’t ask for more, just a small favor from you

That before you pour your love on me

             Just try to understand my nature

Sometimes you pour down the rain

Relieving all the sufferings and the deepest of the pains

Sometimes you just prefer to fly

I try to understand your motive

             But still you don’t prefer to explain

Who else will understand?

In all those instances when my heart goes low

             I search for the clasp of your hand

In all those moments of pain which only I know

             I find that beside me you stand

The heart bursts out with this pain

             And the results you hardly bother

I felt that you also love me as I do

             But realities are different rather

You can’t be the one who be my soulmate

             ‘Cause she could never make me cry

She will value and respect my feelings

             If not, atleast she’ll try

She won’t be as blunt as you

             And would never lead me to this suffering

Whatever be the situations

             Happiness throughout she would bring

Through my watered eyes I see her face

             And slowly-slowly her image clears

And I feel that I have found my soulmate

             Oh God! This is again she who comes near

The moment I decided to write

             I felt I would write against you

I felt that if you don’t care for me

             Then why should I care for you?

But still everywhere I see your face

             In every drop of my tear

I try to move far from you

             But my effort only brings you near

If you don’t understand my love

             Then who else will understand

You may have others to fall back

             But now who will hold my hand?

If we can’t walk the same way

             Why did you ever show me that?

Why did you show me those sweet dreams?

             And left me alone as I felt flat

Sometimes I feel how stupid I was

             That I want you in my life

How can I ever think of marrying you

             You can’t be the one to be my wife

It is because you don’t love me at all

             And whatever feelings you show are fake

You show to me that you love me so much

             I don’t understand for whose sake

I remember once my God told me

             That don’t marry the girl whom you love the most

‘Cause you may love her but she may not

             So marry that girl who loves you the most

If you’re fortunate enough you’ll find that person

             Who’ll love you as much as you do

But in case you don’t find her

             Then only marry that girl who is in love with you

My God also told me that you’ll find such people

             Who hold huge importance in your life

But she may not be the right person

             Who’ll support you in every strife

If I say that you ditched me

             Would I ever be wrong

This is for you to decide

             That in which category do you belong

I’m surprised with your attitude

             As the same would be impossible for me

You can take it as any other thing

             But it is the life blood for me

Any other girl would touch me

             This I would never ever tolerate

I only allow you to come near me

             Though you hardly care about this trait

For you it seems it doesn’t matter

             You may allow yourself to be touched by anybody else

But for me it’s the biggest sin

             The biggest sin that a gospel tells

This proves that you never loved me

             You only played with my emotions

And the day you didn’t need me more

             You turned your back to our relation

Through different stages of my life

             Many people played with my emotions

I thought maybe you’re not one of them

             But now you also seem to be of the same creation

I trusted you with blindfolded eyes

             And believed you with strongest conviction

But you only seem to think about your own life

             Was there selfishness in your affection?

Why did you ever hold my hand?

             And why did you ever dare to touch

When you knew that you never genuinely loved me

             When you knew that you’ll never love me so much

But I love you with the depth of my heart

             And this you’ll never understand

Oh God! If my best friend doesn’t understand

             Then who else will understand?

Seeking forgiveness

Oh my dearest friend

             I know you are annoyed

I know I committed a mistake

             Due to which, from your love I’m devoid

I apologize for my behavior

             For that unpardonable rudeness

But since you are my best friend

             So, I’m seeking for your forgiveness

I may be a complete insane person

             I may have very few of those good qualities

But your support and your precious company

             Will revive all my insignificant brevities

Even I want to change myself

             Won’t you help me get out of this madness?

And that is the reason I gave an apology

             That is the reason why I seek your forgiveness.

In your disguise

Amidst the world when I’m all alone

             I search for that motherly care

But I really miss you oh dear mom

             As your precious shoulders are very rare

I search for those rarest shoulders

             Who take the weight without complain

I wish I could lie my head down

             And forget the hostility and all the blame

Your shoulders absorbed all my tears

             All my grieves and all my pain

I felt to be the most secure

             In every walk of every lane

In your cool and precious shadow

             I could fight the whole world out

Oh my mom, where are you?

             I really miss you no doubt

My craving heart still searches for you

             When I found a person in your disguise

I shared everything with her

             And for your sake it did suffice

I felt I found a shoulder

             Of equal support that you give

I reached to it in your absence

             As I found a new source to live

But it couldn’t support my weight for long

             As constraints are higher than defined

I started feeling lonely again

             And I pray and hope she doesn’t mind

It is not her fault however

             Being uncomfortable she refused anyway

She is also bound by some constraints

             Although she helps me in every way

At last I only pray two things

             For which my whole concern lies

May my mom always stay with me

             And I could avoid all disguise

Uncertainties forever

All the people in this world

              Have their own assumptions

And the biggest uncertainty that I have

             Is because of all my presumptions

Though I know this very well

             That people have their expectations

The uncertainties exist in every place

             Through the darkness of endless limitations

The stumbling blocks that I face

             In the darkness of my life

I hurt my body as well my soul

             With cuts and bruises in this strife

Then hit my head with an unseen wall

             And blood flows out in stream

That warm blood flows through my face

             Taking me in a state of dream

People ditch me, they backstab me

             And I search for a helping hand

But uncertainties exist forever

             As even friends don’t withstand

They promise at first and then leave me alone

             To face all the wrath of this fate

And I only seem to wonder

             That why this happened so late

They say I misunderstood them

             Then why did all this happen in the first place

I don’t want to live in this world

             Which doesn’t even recognize my face

Whatever I wanted from you

             Was it all so unjustified

That bonds of friendship fall at stake

             And when I’m sure that I didn’t lie.

Anyways no problem

             You stay happy always

I think I expected quite a lot

             I overlook the uncertainties in the way

I told you yesterday that I believe you the most

             And you also said to keep that belief

But today I think I took you absolutely wrong

             And now I only want a little bit of relief

Why did I expect so much?

             When uncertainties are so powerful

Why didn’t I understand this before?

             Why my destiny did made a fool

I don’t know what you meant yesterday

             I don’t know what you mean today

But I only mean one thing

             That I don’t want to live in this way

At one instance I feel I have everything

             Another instance I feel that I’m lost

Those three unspoken words

I knew I was lucky

             And my lines of fate proved that more often

But the day I met you for the first time

             I knew it doesn’t happen very often

For the first time I trusted somebody

             And the words had their own connotation

But those three unspoken words

             Needn’t need any iteration

There were a few of those stages

             I felt you’d somebody else in your heart

I only wanted to see you happy

             But your thoughts and dreams, I just couldn’t part

I went through a plethora of phases

             When losing you became a fear

But those three unspoken words

             Had the magic to bring us near

I could feel it in your every breath

             I could sense it in your every glance

All words need not be spoken

             Some are distinct even in trance

You’d never spoken those three words

             Neither ever did I

But are those words so necessary

             When you know without you I prefer to die

Why is it so?

Why is it so,

             That you become the most important person in my life

I somehow try to deny those situations

             But still I find you in my every strife

Why is it so,

             That every moment without you

Become no less than years

             As I find them hard to bid adieu

Why is it so,

             That I run to you so often

Even when I’m annoyed with you

             You’re the only one to soften

Why is it so,

             That you tolerate me so much

I don’t deserve your love and gratitude

             Being a person to be punished as such

The answers to these questions

             Are difficult to find

Then why is it so,

             That such a friendship we bind

Every moment without you

When my heart and my brain stand in contrast

             And the heart rules every moment of the past

I really miss you in each and every second

             And I’ll wait for you till my breath lasts

How stupid I was that I couldn’t understand

             Even the simplest meaning of this sense

The moment I went far from you

             The love I realized in its purest innocence

Every moment I wish to talk to you

             In every moment your essence lies

And every moment without you

             I only dream of those beautiful eyes

But our relationship is bound by conditions

             Which makes us follow different paths

What will happen to my destiny?

             I fear to feel the aftermath

The crux of the matter is that I can’t confess

             Even the slightest of what I feel

‘Cause losing you will make me mad

             That’s why I prefer to conceal

Every moment I feel I can’t live without you

             Will I ever know what’s inside your heart?

And every moment without you

             Makes me try right from the start